It seemed I was cursed from the day I was born, my introduction to the world or anyone I came into contact with as a child, was “that’s the one, that made her mum mad”. A young innocent child could cause so much damage at such a young age. The humiliation and guilt was often covered up by an expressionless poker face, where I learnt the art of pretending. An impressionable young mind, riddled with blame, shame, and baggage, due to the ignorance of people’s attitude towards mental health. Like a puppet being made to show my face and to hear them say,
“ Yes this is the youngest one, the one that caused the illness”, I was fuming inside, but with little understand and unable to speak back, I kept the anger contained and tried to ignore, if you hear this statement enough times, it starts becoming a script. My selfless attitude and having to give was a necessity, as I felt I had caused this, by being a baby an actually crying, as if a child has control over their emotions and their immediate needs when they are first born. My early start to life began with accusatory and blame, so what hope was there for me when my basic foundation was already rocky.
My journey of healing had started, but it took me 31 years to really see the dysfunctional dynamics of a family setting, which I had no control or choice over. This was the card that life had dealt me, it made me understand so much about why I feel I so guilty in saying no and why I put up with toxic people and situations for as long as I do. That inner anger was the driving force to lead to many rebellious acts and decisions, some good some bad. The anger was destroying me, the repetition of my earlier experiences seeped into my psyche and always criticising me for something that wasn’t even my fault.
Love, compassion and trust were already at the bargaining stage from a young age and how dare I defy anything requested from the people I caused so much misery for. I didn’t have a say in matters, my feelings didn’t count, I did not matter and my happiness certainly didn’t count.
I was trying to escape my reality, so I found ways of trying to cope, be it school, academics, work or relationship, but the fact is the unconditional love which should come from a parent was missing, there’s only so much you can put down to mental health, but I really believe it was more so character. That the parent always knows which child will end up giving the most and could be easily manipulated, that your very existence in this planet is to serve them and never think about yourself. Not realizing no matter what you do, how many things you sacrifice nothing will ever be enough because there is something fundamentally wrong with the parent and no amount of “fixing” will help them, because they do not want to be helped.
They thrive on attention, pity and victim mentality. Cutting all ties once and for all is the only way to set yourself free from a continuous heartache and expectation, because they will never change, so it’s down to you to make that change and get back to a life where you can start again, but on solid grounds and firmer foundation, knowing you must never look back.
Refusal to conform led to being the black sheep, but where I thought I am just rebellious and with time things will be ok, I was just deluding myself. The problem was with me, even when I am not at home, I am continuously being blamed for deaths, troubles, fights, illness, the list was endless and there is actually no respect for me as an individual, not as a child, an adult or even a human being, There is no empathy or compassion because there is something seriously wrong with them, but rather than admitting and facing it themselves, it’s easier e to project that onto another and form a pact.
I use to envy loving families and wondered why they were so happy, but felt I always missed out, that I could see what real love, humanity, compassion and empathy looked like, but I only experienced that once I left the home and seen the world. I could see the results of what and how they shaped an individual and wondered why I lacked so much that my family couldn’t love me, I always thought it was because I ran away to be with a guy who was not of the same cultural background, when really it was easier to say that, then to say out loud that they didn’t want me and the very fact I was planning on having my own life, would be so detrimental to the very need of them having a target.
Having no hopes and dreams for me, hoping if they put me down enough, I would become submissive and “dumbed down”, not to get anywhere in life, education or even have a partner who would dare love me. That would leave me no choice to marry someone of their choice, so that my husband could also join their hidden agenda of serving them and nothing more, be it financial or emotional, to ensure they were able to be resourceful in every capacity.
I was meant to love these people because they were “family”, which in my mind equates to loyalty, but how can you be loyal to people who did nothing for you and bought you nothing but emotional and psychological harm.
That those rules imposed on me, were not imposed on any of my siblings and mistakes were forgiven for relatives who had also made mistakes. In which they were welcomed back with open arms and back to joking around, full of acceptance and love, but with me my name, was not to be uttered.
Grieving for a family, that you know still exist but making a conscious choice that you are an orphan, that you can never look back, because if you do, it would potentially lead you back to where you started and that acceptance must come from within and it may take a lifetime to unlearn all the negative things that were ever said about you and the things you learnt at home, is not how the world is supposed to be. That they will still be there years on still with the same poisonous mindset and the ones that stayed quiet to keep the peace, were never on your side, because by staying silent is accepting, therefore just as guilty.
That the hatred could be so deep that they will leave you in a hospital psychiatric ward, to teach you a lesson and even when you are already low, ensure they kick you down a few more times, to make sure you never get back up. Use the time where you are so fragile, to play even more games that evil can take place in many forms and ultimately hoping you would beg and they would take you back to be another slave.
Finally, when enough is enough, they discard you looking for another family trash can to start the process again…
So no more waiting in vain for acceptance, hope and validation, because really and truly who would want to be that, as crazy as I am and after so many years, I am ready to permanently cut ties, with no looking back, because I owe this to myself, to become the person I should have been given the right tools and understanding to start gain and lucky enough I am able to do so at the age of 31. That my inner dialogue will be that I disowned them and with no regret…